Sigh…I had the worst night with my partner last night so am shattered today and wrecked with guilt and feelings of shame…so clearly looking amazing today and it’s especially brilliant as I had a presentation to give at work ☺
We were very close to breaking up, well I was breaking up with him and I swore very loudly at him in the kitchen (I’m not going to repeat the word as it was awful, I never use it…) and my daughter heard it all.
I am feeling shit about it this morning. What a winner! My daughter’s key example and what a great one I am!! A mother who uses profanity to explain how she feels. Yep I am so amazing.
I lost it…. just had enough of it all really… enough sadness, fear, loss…. enough small things that seem insurmountable.
I basically emotionally exploded like a pinata. A really really messy one.
After that I felt embarrased and lost & then after my partner threatened to leave me because thats what I wanted ( and honesty said I wanted because I thought, I don’t know what else will help me here, I’m stuck and something needs to change…)
I exposed all the things again that were bothering me and have been for months and why I was so sad and how I now feel like someone else, not the fun loving happy girl I was when we met…and we tried to talk it out but I feel like I’ve hurt him beyond repair.
To his credit he says he loves me and doesn’t really want to go and I really think it’s me. I need to accept my actions and fix me, maybe even forgive me.
I know it’s mainly me. Its work stress and grief from the miscarrige and everything this horrible year has brought me.
I keep trying to get through and keep life running and breathe without having the space to do so…and thinking about what can I change…..I can change him as an immediate easy out then I’ll have room to think, hence the bust up.
Problem is I really love him and want to marry him eventually, even though he does my head in sometimes as partners can and I feel like I am constantly compromising even though he thinks I’m not or I’m over reacting….
I need to own this and get happy and through this stage of my life. I never want to be this example to my daughter ever again.Basically I need to pull my head out of my arse and sort it out before I spoil all my personal relationships.
But how? Should grief last this long? Is it just me. Whats wrong with me? Why am I failing at life? How do I apologise to my daughter for making a mistake?
I really hope this is normal! Because being so tired you put your dress on inside out and give presentations really isn’t!
Aside from all this gymming that’s been going on…I’ve decided to do a florist course. To do something I love. Because this year has been hard! So, so, so…hard!
I figure if I want to be calm and beautiful inside and out why not work around calm, beautiful things too…
There are a hundred and one things to bring you down in this world, the darkness, the sadness, the tough times.
But even in amongst all of that theres always something good, no matter how small. Something you can be greatful for… today I am greatful.
I am greatful for warm baths and peace and quiet.
I am grateful for a beautiful candle filling my bathroom with light and fragrance…
I am greatful for cups of tea and a sweet chocolate delivered by my daughter to the bath….
And most of all I am greatful for my family without which I wouldn’t keep smiling and finding the beautiful light amongst the darkness.
You can only see the stars when you’re standing in the dark sometimes…but they’re always there sparkling and lending you their light.
And what a wonderful time I had, I went to a Florists and did a home flower arranging workshop and made my own bouquet!
It was so much fun! I highly recommend it ☺
And this is the outcome… not too shabby… I’d like to practise with prettier flowers next time, but I love the Autumn colours here!