The ugly side of recovery from grief.

​Sigh…I had the worst night with my partner last night so am shattered today and wrecked with guilt and feelings of shame…so clearly looking amazing today and it’s especially brilliant as I had a presentation to give at work ☺

We were very close to breaking up, well I was breaking up with him and I swore very loudly at him in the kitchen (I’m not going to repeat the word as it was awful, I never use it…) and my daughter heard it all.

I am feeling shit about it this morning. What a winner! My daughter’s key example and what a great one I am!! A mother who uses profanity to explain how she feels. Yep I am so amazing.

I lost it…. just had enough of it all really… enough sadness, fear, loss…. enough small things that seem insurmountable. 

Just enough. 

I basically emotionally exploded like a pinata. A really really messy one.

After that I felt embarrased and lost & then after my partner threatened to leave me because thats what I wanted ( and honesty said I wanted because I thought, I don’t know what else will help me here, I’m stuck and something needs to change…)

I exposed all the things again that were bothering me and have been for months and why I was so sad and how I now feel like someone else, not the fun loving happy girl I was when we met…and we tried to talk it out but I feel like I’ve hurt him beyond repair.

To his credit he says he loves me and doesn’t really want to go and I really think  it’s me. I need to accept my actions and fix me, maybe even forgive me.

I know it’s mainly me. Its work stress and grief from the miscarrige and everything this horrible year has brought me.


I keep trying to get through and keep life running and breathe without having the space to do so…and thinking about what can I change…..I can change him as an immediate easy out then I’ll have room to think, hence the bust up.

Problem is I really love him and want to marry him eventually, even though he does my head in sometimes as partners can and I feel like I am constantly compromising even though he thinks I’m not or I’m over reacting….

I need to own this and get happy and through this stage of my life. I never want to be this example to my daughter ever again.Basically I need to pull my head out of my arse and sort it out before I spoil all my personal relationships.

But how? Should grief last this long? Is it just me. Whats wrong with me? Why am I failing at life? How do I apologise to my daughter for making a mistake?

I really hope this is normal! Because being so tired you put your dress on inside out and give presentations really isn’t!



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For me again

Aside from all this gymming that’s been going on…I’ve decided  to do a florist course. To do something I love. Because this year has been hard! So, so, so…hard!

I figure if I want to be calm and beautiful inside and out why not work around calm, beautiful things too…

It’ll be an adventure but I look forward to sharing some positive experiences along the way! And probably some awful mistakes ☺

Gratitude

There are a hundred and one things to bring you down in this world, the darkness, the sadness, the tough times. 

But even in amongst all of that theres always something good, no matter how small. Something you can be greatful for… today I am greatful.

I am greatful for warm baths and peace and quiet.

I am grateful for a beautiful candle filling my bathroom with light and fragrance…

I am greatful for cups of tea and a sweet chocolate delivered by my daughter to the bath….

And most of all I am greatful for my family without which I wouldn’t keep smiling and finding the beautiful light amongst the darkness.

You can only see the stars when you’re standing in the dark sometimes…but they’re always there sparkling and lending you their light.

Yesterday I did something for me!

And what a wonderful time I had, I went to a Florists and did a home flower arranging workshop and made my own bouquet!

It was so much fun! I highly recommend it ☺

These are a few examples of pretty arrangements using stuff at home!

And this is the outcome… not too shabby… I’d like to practise with prettier flowers next time, but I love the Autumn colours here!

such fun!

Vintage love
The flowers in a vase

Faith in the process

“Have faith in the process, trust that you are going to a place you are meant for, a place that might not make sense now but will make plenty of sense later. You will see that because this happened, that happened. And the order of it all, no matter how painful or beautiful, was exactly what it needed to be.” – Lewis Holmes

https://www.holstee.com/blogs/mindful-matter/who-are-you via @holstee
So hard to remember this all the time 😯

I keep thinking I’m fine I’ll just keep on but it’s not working. My D&C was 7 weeks ago now and life is very much back to normal but I’m not.

A family member said today that everything for our family was all good news because my mum for an all clear & my sis in law got an all clear for something else and she was stood holding a beautiful baby boy. All wonderful amazing things that I am happy for them for, true blessings…

But I immediately had a chest thud and thought “is it? Not for me” and felt sad and guilty for the thought at the same time & I felt like crying.

What I did though was smiled and said yes it’s all wonderful and changed the subject.

I’m so over this suprise grief, where someone says something and your like wow where did that feeling come from….or are those tears…or why are you upset now???

I know theres a jouney here, but I would like to be done with it now thanks. I’m ready for my happy ending now.