Postpartum Anxiety

I think I am having anxiety and I know I am having intrusive thoughts about someone or myself harming my 9 week old son.

My thoughts are of dropping him on the floor and cracking his head or someone molesting him. Its horrific and horrifying for me.

On Friday I called my mum to come over and broke down and told her what I was feeling which helped for a bit.

But yesterday everything reached a crescendo and I believe I had a panic attack in the supermarket. My vision zoomed in and out and then I felt like I couldn’t breathe and started shaking. My partner was there fortunately and he was so supportive when I made it to the car and broke down.

I have called in all my family support that I feel comfortable telling and I have also called a PND support group in my area to get some talk therapy.

I feel that my issues are relating to extreme stress since i found out I was pregnant, first being unsure i wanted a baby as I have a teen already and we had just got our first mortgage and moved into an area that is close to somewhere I lived in the past.

Second a year before I had a miscarriage and it was very difficult and my brother also lost his child in child birth. All of these things made me decide on a c-section for the babys safety and a tubal ligation for me.

The c-section was scary. I was convinced the baby was going to die or I was and the medication while it was happening made me unable to talk but able to think clearly. It was very scary. I couldn’t hold my son and he went straight to NICU. I didnt get to see him until.very late that night and I was terrified he was very unwell. He wasn’t. He came back the next morning.

After this I fainted in the shower and felt so sore but I was coping… one night in hospital.i just cried and cried because I couldn’t sleep due to a back injury that had occured somehow.

My partner kept inviting visitors and I had not much time to rest. He got to go home but i was left holding the baby. I think I didn’t well considering.

When we finally came home I remember feeling anxious about leaving the hospital and that the car park was dirty and bad for baby. I also had a friend inside with a severe issue with his lungs. After a week my MIL came to stay for a week and it was stressful, there were arguments she cried and then when she left my BIL came to stay as well for another week. It was hard. My partner is supportive but I felt he expected me to entertain so I tried but mainly I was tired and wanted to stay home. I didn’t have much time to become a family.

I only have 4months off work so I go back on the 5th of November. My partner has now resigned and will be staying home. This is additionally stressful as we are not making all the Bill’s now.

I also ended up dislocating my toe and spraining my back and was out on strong medication. I was very I’ll when pregnant and on medications that were making me have anxiety. As soon as I stopped taking it my anxiety went away. I am thinking this could have been the case this time, I feel better today.

I also think I have a morbid fear of being left alone with 2 children as this happened when I was 21, my partner cheated on me and left me with a young daughter and i had a break in where i ended up sleeping with a bit of wood with nails in it under my camper bed. He also took all our furniture.

I think all of these things together have made me stressed out to the make and caused the anxiety.

Sorry for the epic post but what else should I be doing here? Comments and advice greatly appreciated.


Where is everyone?

Where has everyone gone? Were pregnant and having a baby but not crippled…

All my friends have disappeared, I haven’t had any invitations in weeks… why?

Is it just too hard?

Has life got in the way?

Do we have nothing to give now?

Is it because I can’t have a wine?

What’s happened? Why do we no longer get invitations and how do I keep up a social life so I dont feel like a leper?

We have a date!

It’s set. Baby’s arrival date is set.

How terrified am I! Omg…. seriously the whole c-section thing is scaring me to death.

At least baby is big and growing well but I don’t know how much more I can take.

Not to mention how will I go back to work at 18weeks? My baby will be so small and probably not sleep… how will we survive it???

Anyone have some advice?

Baby thoughts and fears

Still 27 weeks pregnant and having the strangest symptoms!

Latest is tingling and numbness in my face… I expected it in my legs and arms as its talked about in loads of forums… but my face is a wierd one….

Also heartburn and indigestion is my constant companion.

I guess I am now lucky that I have some pills for my morning sickness and can work more and be alive a bit more. The first 25weeks were tough, I’m not built for being pregnant.

The other stuff that worries me right now is A massive list!

  • Money- how do we support us while on maternity leave? And how do we save while we are waiting for this baby? I hate being at home all the time but feel inam stuck there due to our financial situation 😯😫
  • The house – it’s not baby ready! It’s so not done up or anything and we have no money to do it up right now🖓
  • The birth – I am having a cesarean and getting my tubes tied at the same time… but what if it all goes wrong or baby comes early?? What then? 😫😫😫
  • Having a baby and a teenager – how will my love and care be split over the two of them plus my partner? How do I make sure one is looked after and the other is not left out?
  • Going back to work – I’ll be back at work after 18weeks… how am I going to survive?
  • Health – what if baby isn’t healthy?

Anyone else been here? I’d love to know your thoughts?

This is where I’ve been hiding….

Aside from my day job, and figuring out what to do with my life, I’ve been hiding, doing something I love and trying to get back to good.

A place where stress is not ruling my life and where my stomach is not being effected, nor my weight, nor anything else for that matter.

Behind creative things and around people seems to be that space , i’d really like to get more involved in creative activities! and am working on it.

I am a work in progress.

Art Prints

I hope the above has embedded as a slide show if not try this link: