My life right now!
I am open to great things universe. Come at me!
Don’t get time wrong I’m not silly enough to think I can just wait. But as this is the year of me…. let the blissful find my passion hunt begin!
Aside from my day job, and figuring out what to do with my life, I’ve been hiding, doing something I love and trying to get back to good.
A place where stress is not ruling my life and where my stomach is not being effected, nor my weight, nor anything else for that matter.
Behind creative things and around people seems to be that space , i’d really like to get more involved in creative activities! and am working on it.
I am a work in progress.
I hope the above has embedded as a slide show if not try this link: http://fineartamerica.com/profiles/juliet-white.html?tab=artwork
Sigh…I had the worst night with my partner last night so am shattered today and wrecked with guilt and feelings of shame…so clearly looking amazing today and it’s especially brilliant as I had a presentation to give at work ☺
We were very close to breaking up, well I was breaking up with him and I swore very loudly at him in the kitchen (I’m not going to repeat the word as it was awful, I never use it…) and my daughter heard it all.
I am feeling shit about it this morning. What a winner! My daughter’s key example and what a great one I am!! A mother who uses profanity to explain how she feels. Yep I am so amazing.
I lost it…. just had enough of it all really… enough sadness, fear, loss…. enough small things that seem insurmountable.
I basically emotionally exploded like a pinata. A really really messy one.
After that I felt embarrased and lost & then after my partner threatened to leave me because thats what I wanted ( and honesty said I wanted because I thought, I don’t know what else will help me here, I’m stuck and something needs to change…)
I exposed all the things again that were bothering me and have been for months and why I was so sad and how I now feel like someone else, not the fun loving happy girl I was when we met…and we tried to talk it out but I feel like I’ve hurt him beyond repair.
To his credit he says he loves me and doesn’t really want to go and I really think it’s me. I need to accept my actions and fix me, maybe even forgive me.
I know it’s mainly me. Its work stress and grief from the miscarrige and everything this horrible year has brought me.
I keep trying to get through and keep life running and breathe without having the space to do so…and thinking about what can I change…..I can change him as an immediate easy out then I’ll have room to think, hence the bust up.
Problem is I really love him and want to marry him eventually, even though he does my head in sometimes as partners can and I feel like I am constantly compromising even though he thinks I’m not or I’m over reacting….
I need to own this and get happy and through this stage of my life. I never want to be this example to my daughter ever again.Basically I need to pull my head out of my arse and sort it out before I spoil all my personal relationships.
But how? Should grief last this long? Is it just me. Whats wrong with me? Why am I failing at life? How do I apologise to my daughter for making a mistake?
I really hope this is normal! Because being so tired you put your dress on inside out and give presentations really isn’t!
And what a wonderful time I had, I went to a Florists and did a home flower arranging workshop and made my own bouquet!
It was so much fun! I highly recommend it ☺
And this is the outcome… not too shabby… I’d like to practise with prettier flowers next time, but I love the Autumn colours here!
Just to help me along out of my shadows of sadness I thought I’d give some musicians I know a small plug… so if you’re into Vinyl and want some new music you should check this out…
“Psyrok and LSJ have been making “trip-hop” together from opposite sides of the globe since 2009.”
Now they’re stepping it up a notch: releasing their music on vinyl! https://www.pledgeme.co.nz/projects/4621-psyrok-lsj-limited-edition-7-vinyl
These are my resolutions for 2016, yes I did resolutions, no they are not unreasonable and yes I hope I can keep them – so far so good!
I also have a 100things list, this lives on 100things.com.au, under ‘MeJulie’ it currently has 75things on it, if you can think of any more that could be added let me know or better still create your own! 🙂
This month I am doing Grateful Month, and writing 3 things I am grateful for every day for 1 month. So far so good!
So anyway four resolutions, not hard, but not easy either… apparently byt the time I hit March I will be in the habit… MARCH!!! OMG, that’s 2months away!!! I’m already not convinced.
The weight loss has started already, well the plan for it anyway! I am heading to the land of Perth in a few weeks, so I thought when better to start but now…
I’m 36 this year and far to large for my height?! I think I way about 90kg and am 173 cm tall… for me this is uncomfortable and makes me feel bad about myself, but I figure it’s all good as I am on the change path! anyway this is how I have been going so far:
Day one – No alcohol and no bad food, I figured this was a great start as it was the 3rd January, way to kick start/detox after holiday debauchery! apply for gym trial (again… I already applied once and let it go by without doing it… because I was lazy and preferred a glass of wine and cheese!)
Day two – Same as above and downloaded all the important Apps that I clearly must have to lose any weight and change my life! MyFitnessPal, 30 day challenge etc. am now suitably techno’ed up to start exercising… Considered getting a exercise tracker type device, but decided against it…. and buy new fitness leggings instead, more procrastination.
Lovely beau suggests we go for a swim at the new trial gym and I could pick up my trial a the same time….so I put on my togs and have major meltdown as they no longer fit and my size has ballooned from small to gigantic! and realise that the whole pool is about to get a whale of a show! awkward… decide that I am not going to the gym or pool, ever.
Force myself to go and swim four lengths before boob comes out of togs, decide spa is a much better idea. Sit for 20 minutes in spa and then decide to trial new gym that day, put on new sparkly leggings and jump on a bike! ten minutes in, wearing my new “full length in the height of summer” leggings?! with sun beating through the window, I am parched and tired… move to floor and do 25 crunches (thanks to my 30 day challenge ap) and 30 sit-ups… I call this the NON work out, work out…
Day three – 3days no alcohol, back at work, 2nd day of gym trial, and counting calories. I consider joining weight watchers and then realise after reading it that its $7 a month for stuff I can do now, see all posts on Facebook from super fit people, follow some more inspirational peeps on Twitter and go to the gym.
A friend and I do 25mins walking on the treadmill and then a few steady sets of different exercises, while watching several people enjoy the sun on the deck of a very nice cafe/bar… I do my planks, sit-ups, crunches (go 30day challenge! thank goodness for ap reminders) and the like all the while thinking how nice a cider would be on that deck right now!! the cauliflower and hummus I had for lunch with my water and mint tea was just not the same!
Today is day four – I have walked to work and had my shake this morning, so far so good… we’ll see how I get on this afternoon, I am thinking a swim, but I am reminded of boobgate just the other day and wonder if I am better off just swimming in a muumuu!?