Postpartum Anxiety

I think I am having anxiety and I know I am having intrusive thoughts about someone or myself harming my 9 week old son.

My thoughts are of dropping him on the floor and cracking his head or someone molesting him. Its horrific and horrifying for me.

On Friday I called my mum to come over and broke down and told her what I was feeling which helped for a bit.

But yesterday everything reached a crescendo and I believe I had a panic attack in the supermarket. My vision zoomed in and out and then I felt like I couldn’t breathe and started shaking. My partner was there fortunately and he was so supportive when I made it to the car and broke down.

I have called in all my family support that I feel comfortable telling and I have also called a PND support group in my area to get some talk therapy.

I feel that my issues are relating to extreme stress since i found out I was pregnant, first being unsure i wanted a baby as I have a teen already and we had just got our first mortgage and moved into an area that is close to somewhere I lived in the past.

Second a year before I had a miscarriage and it was very difficult and my brother also lost his child in child birth. All of these things made me decide on a c-section for the babys safety and a tubal ligation for me.

The c-section was scary. I was convinced the baby was going to die or I was and the medication while it was happening made me unable to talk but able to think clearly. It was very scary. I couldn’t hold my son and he went straight to NICU. I didnt get to see him until.very late that night and I was terrified he was very unwell. He wasn’t. He came back the next morning.

After this I fainted in the shower and felt so sore but I was coping… one night in hospital.i just cried and cried because I couldn’t sleep due to a back injury that had occured somehow.

My partner kept inviting visitors and I had not much time to rest. He got to go home but i was left holding the baby. I think I didn’t well considering.

When we finally came home I remember feeling anxious about leaving the hospital and that the car park was dirty and bad for baby. I also had a friend inside with a severe issue with his lungs. After a week my MIL came to stay for a week and it was stressful, there were arguments she cried and then when she left my BIL came to stay as well for another week. It was hard. My partner is supportive but I felt he expected me to entertain so I tried but mainly I was tired and wanted to stay home. I didn’t have much time to become a family.

I only have 4months off work so I go back on the 5th of November. My partner has now resigned and will be staying home. This is additionally stressful as we are not making all the Bill’s now.

I also ended up dislocating my toe and spraining my back and was out on strong medication. I was very I’ll when pregnant and on medications that were making me have anxiety. As soon as I stopped taking it my anxiety went away. I am thinking this could have been the case this time, I feel better today.

I also think I have a morbid fear of being left alone with 2 children as this happened when I was 21, my partner cheated on me and left me with a young daughter and i had a break in where i ended up sleeping with a bit of wood with nails in it under my camper bed. He also took all our furniture.

I think all of these things together have made me stressed out to the make and caused the anxiety.

Sorry for the epic post but what else should I be doing here? Comments and advice greatly appreciated.

Advertisements

Mindless chatter

16years ago I was learning to cope with a newborn girl…

2 years ago we lost a baby at 12 weeks….

Today I am 2 months away from having a baby boy….

How crazy life is!

Imposter

I’m an imposter. I feel like I’m on the outside of my life looking in watching as it goes along a path that I’m not prepared for.

Scared.

Sore.

Tired.

How is this going to go?

Have I made a mistake?

Will it be worth it?

Will it be ok?

There’s a small part of me that is excited but most of me is unsure.

29 weeks today

And I am sore and worried and tired….

I’m not sure the baby is moving as much as it should Or has been…?

I’m worried about finances still… I have no idea how we I’ll make ends meet…

I’m worried the pain I am feeling isn’t normal, last night getting out of bed I could barely stand up! And had really painful stomach cramps…. and today I am pretty sore and moving around hurts… but apparently that’s the best thing to do..

Maybe it’s because I haven’t exceeded enough, but my gosh who has the motivation.. not me at the moment. I’m so heavy I’m not sure how I am carrying myself around!

My OH is looking to me all the time for some reassurance that I’m ok… and I am. I’m just not feeling it right now today, life isn’t quite what I thought it would be.. I know I am super blessed and others don’t have half of what i have but sometimes I wonder what a different life would be like….

If you ever need…

To learn to live yourself again and embrace how you look or feel, I suggest heading to a island paradise with the wealthy and tanned! I am greiving still (less so now but still have my moments!) & beleive I have put on weight or can’t shake it because I’m not as happy as I could be.

I did. And I feel empowered.

After 3 days of feeling not good enough, not skinny enough and not tanned enough, I finally realised today that I needed to be kinder to myself. 

I put on my bikini in my mum bod next to my beautiful teenage daughter and went for a swim and sunbathed next to what I can only describe as tanned beautiful models of both sexes and felt myself again!

Who cares if your not a size 6! It’s your holiday too & you should enjoy it and not worry how you look to others of those who love you think your beautiful and you do too.

Life begins here. Confidence begins here.healing continues here. 

Paradise is a good place to be and make yourself whole again.

The ugly side of recovery from grief.

​Sigh…I had the worst night with my partner last night so am shattered today and wrecked with guilt and feelings of shame…so clearly looking amazing today and it’s especially brilliant as I had a presentation to give at work ☺

We were very close to breaking up, well I was breaking up with him and I swore very loudly at him in the kitchen (I’m not going to repeat the word as it was awful, I never use it…) and my daughter heard it all.

I am feeling shit about it this morning. What a winner! My daughter’s key example and what a great one I am!! A mother who uses profanity to explain how she feels. Yep I am so amazing.

I lost it…. just had enough of it all really… enough sadness, fear, loss…. enough small things that seem insurmountable. 

Just enough. 

I basically emotionally exploded like a pinata. A really really messy one.

After that I felt embarrased and lost & then after my partner threatened to leave me because thats what I wanted ( and honesty said I wanted because I thought, I don’t know what else will help me here, I’m stuck and something needs to change…)

I exposed all the things again that were bothering me and have been for months and why I was so sad and how I now feel like someone else, not the fun loving happy girl I was when we met…and we tried to talk it out but I feel like I’ve hurt him beyond repair.

To his credit he says he loves me and doesn’t really want to go and I really think  it’s me. I need to accept my actions and fix me, maybe even forgive me.

I know it’s mainly me. Its work stress and grief from the miscarrige and everything this horrible year has brought me.


I keep trying to get through and keep life running and breathe without having the space to do so…and thinking about what can I change…..I can change him as an immediate easy out then I’ll have room to think, hence the bust up.

Problem is I really love him and want to marry him eventually, even though he does my head in sometimes as partners can and I feel like I am constantly compromising even though he thinks I’m not or I’m over reacting….

I need to own this and get happy and through this stage of my life. I never want to be this example to my daughter ever again.Basically I need to pull my head out of my arse and sort it out before I spoil all my personal relationships.

But how? Should grief last this long? Is it just me. Whats wrong with me? Why am I failing at life? How do I apologise to my daughter for making a mistake?

I really hope this is normal! Because being so tired you put your dress on inside out and give presentations really isn’t!