Closure.

Today we mourned the loss of our baby that could have been. Having a miscarraige is a hard position to be in because we have nothing to show for it. No funeral, no body, i don’t even have an ultrasound picture…?!

So I decided to have a memorial for us. My daughter, partner and me. We went to the coast of my home town, there some flowers into the ocean, said some words and wrote some messages in the sand and on rocks and i wrote a letter to him or her (which we burnt because when I was little I was told if you write messages on wood and put it in the fire the sparks and ashes that go up head to heaven taking your message with them).

The we drove to the pub with Sarah McLaughlin’s Angel playing and had a shot and a wine to send the baby off. It was like a mini wake.

It was beautiful and it helped. If you are here in my position the memorial helps and even though it feels silly it really helps.

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I loved what could have been. I had hope and I have lost something, we all have. Mourning and grieving and talking about this loss is the only way through.

I will cry for many more days yet but I will smile for the send off we gave our wee soul and now I will start again, living for the future, working through the grief and living with the past.

It’s done.

I’m sad but it’s over. In the long run all the staff were nice and looked after me.

All that happened was that I went to sleep and woke up again.

I went sleep in tears and woke up in tears & pain.

We’re still in the hospital & waiting but not long until we’ll be home.

Time to start to heal now. Rainbow baby, we love you.

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Operation Day

This is not ideal. There’s a guy swearing at his wife and the staff and the team is so rushed its very impersonal. I just want to cry.

Your stripped of all your dignity, clothes and any scrap of hope you had left. It’s real, too real after a night of pain and bleeding.

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This is not ideal 😯😢😩

Signs

Theres a legend in NZ about fantails (birds) bringing mesages of death of a loved one, if they come into your home (or similar)

A few weeks ago I had one follow me down my path at home and then fly down around me fluttering by my belly and then it flew off.

For me I felt it was telling me what I already new…in a weird way my belly was babies house and as close as it could get.

We found out our baby’s heartbeat had stopped yesterday. I think perhaps that was the first mythical sign..

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That fantail (or another) was back today.  I came home from work today because I was bleeding lightly and had a sore stomach.

Whilst being upset about tomorrow’s d&c and the current circumstances I was hugging my partner & I looked up and there in the kitchen was a fantail.

He tweeted around the kitchen and landed on top of our cupboard, knowing why he was there I got on the kitchen table and managing to calmly pick him up, I told him I know why you’re here and it’s ok.

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I took him outside and opens my hand to let him go. He sat there for several minutes and then flew off my hand and onto a fence near me, he tweeted and chatted facing me and then finally went up to a tree where he sat for a while and flew off.

Such an experience, I absolutely believe in signs and I feel this was my message to say goodbye & that it’s time to let go.

For the legend: https://unsolicitedcertainties.wordpress.com/category/fantail-in-your-house/

Loss

Today was not a good day.

Today we went in for our ultrasound. Hopeful.

Today we saw no heartbeat

Today we saw no growth.

Today the baby/fetus was not alive.

Today my partner and I lost something.

Today I told my daughter there was no Sibling.

Today I told my parents they were not grandparents to be again.

Today I told friends that we had bad news.

Today I was prodded from the inside out.

Today I felt sad, guilty, tired and afraid.

Today was not a good day.

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On Wednesday I will have a D’n’C and by Friday it will all be over.

All I can say is I am sad and I need time to heal.