Mindless chatter

16years ago I was learning to cope with a newborn girl…

2 years ago we lost a baby at 12 weeks….

Today I am 2 months away from having a baby boy….

How crazy life is!

Advertisements

Imposter

I’m an imposter. I feel like I’m on the outside of my life looking in watching as it goes along a path that I’m not prepared for.

Scared.

Sore.

Tired.

How is this going to go?

Have I made a mistake?

Will it be worth it?

Will it be ok?

There’s a small part of me that is excited but most of me is unsure.

29 weeks today

And I am sore and worried and tired….

I’m not sure the baby is moving as much as it should Or has been…?

I’m worried about finances still… I have no idea how we I’ll make ends meet…

I’m worried the pain I am feeling isn’t normal, last night getting out of bed I could barely stand up! And had really painful stomach cramps…. and today I am pretty sore and moving around hurts… but apparently that’s the best thing to do..

Maybe it’s because I haven’t exceeded enough, but my gosh who has the motivation.. not me at the moment. I’m so heavy I’m not sure how I am carrying myself around!

My OH is looking to me all the time for some reassurance that I’m ok… and I am. I’m just not feeling it right now today, life isn’t quite what I thought it would be.. I know I am super blessed and others don’t have half of what i have but sometimes I wonder what a different life would be like….

Sessions

Today I had a clinic session to help me manage my thoughts. It was really interesting…. reminded me how I need to control my catastrophising thoughts and take a step back to breath, practice talking to myself about how we will be ok and also to remind myself that it’s ok to look after me.

I need to learn how to breath and relax and be mindful of my place today.

I think it’s helped. I feel better today about the positive impact this child will have rather then all the negative thoughts.

Long may it continue.

Reality vs picture perfect

Picture perfect:-

Mum stays home with child.

Dad’s the bread winner.

Life is perfect for a while.

Child goes to school.

Mum gets job.

Life is good.

Reality:-

Mum is breadwinner.

Mum can only stay home for 18weeks.

Dad continues to work for 18weeks.

Life will be tight for 18weeks.

Mum has to go back to work.

Dad has to keep working.

Baby has to go to daycare.

Additional expenses occur.

Sigh.

We have a date!

It’s set. Baby’s arrival date is set.

How terrified am I! Omg…. seriously the whole c-section thing is scaring me to death.

At least baby is big and growing well but I don’t know how much more I can take.

Not to mention how will I go back to work at 18weeks? My baby will be so small and probably not sleep… how will we survive it???

Anyone have some advice?

You can’t turn back time

Some days I wish I could turn back time and not be pregnant. There would be no worries then. But there would also be less magic that a baby brings.

I’m terrified if the truth be told of what this will do to my current relationship with my eldest? Will it be fine or strained? Will she feel out of the family loop? I really hope not.

I love her so much and hope that we can all four of us learn how to live in a new family dynamic.

I also feel a little mournful for our current lifestyle and relationship.

I guess things change all the time and this is just another change on the ride of life.