One giant mood swing!

These emotions are insane. I feel crazy some days, it’s hard to be back at work and keep myself in check, so I feel like I am using up all my energy there and being just awful at home.

Sometimes I feel so guilty and awful for being horrible I wonder if my partner will leave, then I have to convince myself he won’t.

Don’t get me wrong he is amazingly supportive but sometimes I wonder why…clearly it must be love.

I know it’s all grief, hormones and will settle down but its really crappy right now.

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Closure.

Today we mourned the loss of our baby that could have been. Having a miscarraige is a hard position to be in because we have nothing to show for it. No funeral, no body, i don’t even have an ultrasound picture…?!

So I decided to have a memorial for us. My daughter, partner and me. We went to the coast of my home town, there some flowers into the ocean, said some words and wrote some messages in the sand and on rocks and i wrote a letter to him or her (which we burnt because when I was little I was told if you write messages on wood and put it in the fire the sparks and ashes that go up head to heaven taking your message with them).

The we drove to the pub with Sarah McLaughlin’s Angel playing and had a shot and a wine to send the baby off. It was like a mini wake.

It was beautiful and it helped. If you are here in my position the memorial helps and even though it feels silly it really helps.

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I loved what could have been. I had hope and I have lost something, we all have. Mourning and grieving and talking about this loss is the only way through.

I will cry for many more days yet but I will smile for the send off we gave our wee soul and now I will start again, living for the future, working through the grief and living with the past.

A letter to the angel…

Dear baby , dear fetus, dear angel, dear soul…

I’m sorry you didnt get to stay and be part of our family. You would have been so so loved and wanted. I know I was confused & scared at first and that I complained about being pregnant because let’s face it that’s not the funnest experience for me!

But losing you has made me realise it would have been ok, we would have been full of joy and you would have been loved. We would have watched you grow, seen your first smile, heard your first words and to just be in your life would have been amazing.

I feel like you would have been a little boy maybe a cousin to rough house with for the boys in the family already and an adored brother by your beautiful sister and your dad would have helped you learn, played with you and loved you to the ends of the earth. We would have worked it out and been a family just a little bigger then the one we have now.

I wanted to tell you I’m sorry, i miss you already and I will remember you always. I imagine a picnic table in heaven with all the family together smiling and sharing stories and you with them being loved and having others to play with.

Until we meet again,
Love your mum xo

Recovery day 1.

Sore, a little bit broken and tired. I know I’ll get there though. The tears are odd beasts, they come randomly.

I think I feel a bit lonely as only my partner in my immediate group can understand kind of how I feel, but then he can’t really either.

I’ll be ok though. We’ll get through. But right now this is all I can say to myself…well other people’s memes can help me…

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