Baby thoughts and fears

Still 27 weeks pregnant and having the strangest symptoms!

Latest is tingling and numbness in my face… I expected it in my legs and arms as its talked about in loads of forums… but my face is a wierd one….

Also heartburn and indigestion is my constant companion.

I guess I am now lucky that I have some pills for my morning sickness and can work more and be alive a bit more. The first 25weeks were tough, I’m not built for being pregnant.

The other stuff that worries me right now is A massive list!

  • Money- how do we support us while on maternity leave? And how do we save while we are waiting for this baby? I hate being at home all the time but feel inam stuck there due to our financial situation 😯😫
  • The house – it’s not baby ready! It’s so not done up or anything and we have no money to do it up right now🖓
  • The birth – I am having a cesarean and getting my tubes tied at the same time… but what if it all goes wrong or baby comes early?? What then? 😫😫😫
  • Having a baby and a teenager – how will my love and care be split over the two of them plus my partner? How do I make sure one is looked after and the other is not left out?
  • Going back to work – I’ll be back at work after 18weeks… how am I going to survive?
  • Health – what if baby isn’t healthy?

Anyone else been here? I’d love to know your thoughts?

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One giant mood swing!

These emotions are insane. I feel crazy some days, it’s hard to be back at work and keep myself in check, so I feel like I am using up all my energy there and being just awful at home.

Sometimes I feel so guilty and awful for being horrible I wonder if my partner will leave, then I have to convince myself he won’t.

Don’t get me wrong he is amazingly supportive but sometimes I wonder why…clearly it must be love.

I know it’s all grief, hormones and will settle down but its really crappy right now.

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Closure.

Today we mourned the loss of our baby that could have been. Having a miscarraige is a hard position to be in because we have nothing to show for it. No funeral, no body, i don’t even have an ultrasound picture…?!

So I decided to have a memorial for us. My daughter, partner and me. We went to the coast of my home town, there some flowers into the ocean, said some words and wrote some messages in the sand and on rocks and i wrote a letter to him or her (which we burnt because when I was little I was told if you write messages on wood and put it in the fire the sparks and ashes that go up head to heaven taking your message with them).

The we drove to the pub with Sarah McLaughlin’s Angel playing and had a shot and a wine to send the baby off. It was like a mini wake.

It was beautiful and it helped. If you are here in my position the memorial helps and even though it feels silly it really helps.

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I loved what could have been. I had hope and I have lost something, we all have. Mourning and grieving and talking about this loss is the only way through.

I will cry for many more days yet but I will smile for the send off we gave our wee soul and now I will start again, living for the future, working through the grief and living with the past.

A letter to the angel…

Dear baby , dear fetus, dear angel, dear soul…

I’m sorry you didnt get to stay and be part of our family. You would have been so so loved and wanted. I know I was confused & scared at first and that I complained about being pregnant because let’s face it that’s not the funnest experience for me!

But losing you has made me realise it would have been ok, we would have been full of joy and you would have been loved. We would have watched you grow, seen your first smile, heard your first words and to just be in your life would have been amazing.

I feel like you would have been a little boy maybe a cousin to rough house with for the boys in the family already and an adored brother by your beautiful sister and your dad would have helped you learn, played with you and loved you to the ends of the earth. We would have worked it out and been a family just a little bigger then the one we have now.

I wanted to tell you I’m sorry, i miss you already and I will remember you always. I imagine a picnic table in heaven with all the family together smiling and sharing stories and you with them being loved and having others to play with.

Until we meet again,
Love your mum xo

Recovery day 1.

Sore, a little bit broken and tired. I know I’ll get there though. The tears are odd beasts, they come randomly.

I think I feel a bit lonely as only my partner in my immediate group can understand kind of how I feel, but then he can’t really either.

I’ll be ok though. We’ll get through. But right now this is all I can say to myself…well other people’s memes can help me…

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