I think I am having anxiety and I know I am having intrusive thoughts about someone or myself harming my 9 week old son.
My thoughts are of dropping him on the floor and cracking his head or someone molesting him. Its horrific and horrifying for me.
On Friday I called my mum to come over and broke down and told her what I was feeling which helped for a bit.
But yesterday everything reached a crescendo and I believe I had a panic attack in the supermarket. My vision zoomed in and out and then I felt like I couldn’t breathe and started shaking. My partner was there fortunately and he was so supportive when I made it to the car and broke down.
I have called in all my family support that I feel comfortable telling and I have also called a support group in my area to get some talk therapy.
I feel that my issues are relating to extreme stress since i found out I was pregnant, first being unsure i wanted a baby as I have a teen already and we had just got our first mortgage and moved into an area that is close to somewhere I lived in the past.
Second a year before I had a miscarriage and it was very difficult and my brother also lost his child in child birth. All of these things made me decide on a c-section for the babys safety and a tubal ligation for me.
The c-section was scary. I was convinced the baby was going to die or I was and the medication while it was happening made me unable to talk but able to think clearly. It was very scary. I couldn’t hold my son and he went straight to . I didnt get to see him until.very late that night and I was terrified he was very unwell. He wasn’t. He came back the next morning.
After this I fainted in the shower and felt so sore but I was coping… one night in hospital.i just cried and cried because I couldn’t sleep due to a back injury that had occured somehow.
My partner kept inviting visitors and I had not much time to rest. He got to go home but i was left holding the baby. I think I didn’t well considering.
When we finally came home I remember feeling anxious about leaving the hospital and that the car park was dirty and bad for baby. I also had a friend inside with a severe issue with his lungs. After a week my came to stay for a week and it was stressful, there were arguments she cried and then when she left my came to stay as well for another week. It was hard. My partner is supportive but I felt he expected me to entertain so I tried but mainly I was tired and wanted to stay home. I didn’t have much time to become a family.
I only have 4months off work so I go back on the 5th of November. My partner has now resigned and will be staying home. This is additionally stressful as we are not making all the Bill’s now.
I also ended up dislocating my toe and spraining my back and was out on strong medication. I was very I’ll when pregnant and on medications that were making me have anxiety. As soon as I stopped taking it my anxiety went away. I am thinking this could have been the case this time, I feel better today.
I also think I have a morbid fear of being left alone with 2 children as this happened when I was 21, my partner cheated on me and left me with a young daughter and i had a break in where i ended up sleeping with a bit of wood with nails in it under my camper bed. He also took all our furniture.
I think all of these things together have made me stressed out to the make and caused the anxiety.
Sorry for the post but what else should I be doing here? Comments and advice greatly appreciated.