Sigh…I had the worst night with my partner last night so am shattered today and wrecked with guilt and feelings of shame…so clearly looking amazing today and it’s especially brilliant as I had a presentation to give at work ☺
We were very close to breaking up, well I was breaking up with him and I swore very loudly at him in the kitchen (I’m not going to repeat the word as it was awful, I never use it…) and my daughter heard it all.
I am feeling shit about it this morning. What a winner! My daughter’s key example and what a great one I am!! A mother who uses profanity to explain how she feels. Yep I am so amazing.
I lost it…. just had enough of it all really… enough sadness, fear, loss…. enough small things that seem insurmountable.
I basically emotionally exploded like a pinata. A really really messy one.
After that I felt embarrased and lost & then after my partner threatened to leave me because thats what I wanted ( and honesty said I wanted because I thought, I don’t know what else will help me here, I’m stuck and something needs to change…)
I exposed all the things again that were bothering me and have been for months and why I was so sad and how I now feel like someone else, not the fun loving happy girl I was when we met…and we tried to talk it out but I feel like I’ve hurt him beyond repair.
To his credit he says he loves me and doesn’t really want to go and I really think it’s me. I need to accept my actions and fix me, maybe even forgive me.
I know it’s mainly me. Its work stress and grief from the miscarrige and everything this horrible year has brought me.
I keep trying to get through and keep life running and breathe without having the space to do so…and thinking about what can I change…..I can change him as an immediate easy out then I’ll have room to think, hence the bust up.
Problem is I really love him and want to marry him eventually, even though he does my head in sometimes as partners can and I feel like I am constantly compromising even though he thinks I’m not or I’m over reacting….
I need to own this and get happy and through this stage of my life. I never want to be this example to my daughter ever again.Basically I need to pull my head out of my arse and sort it out before I spoil all my personal relationships.
But how? Should grief last this long? Is it just me. Whats wrong with me? Why am I failing at life? How do I apologise to my daughter for making a mistake?
I really hope this is normal! Because being so tired you put your dress on inside out and give presentations really isn’t!