It’s been a beautiful, hard, emotional week. But I made it & I’ll keep making it.


Yesterday I did something for me!

And what a wonderful time I had, I went to a Florists and did a home flower arranging workshop and made my own bouquet!

It was so much fun! I highly recommend it ☺

These are a few examples of pretty arrangements using stuff at home!

And this is the outcome… not too shabby… I’d like to practise with prettier flowers next time, but I love the Autumn colours here!

such fun!

Vintage love
The flowers in a vase

Faith in the process

“Have faith in the process, trust that you are going to a place you are meant for, a place that might not make sense now but will make plenty of sense later. You will see that because this happened, that happened. And the order of it all, no matter how painful or beautiful, was exactly what it needed to be.” – Lewis Holmes via @holstee
So hard to remember this all the time 😯

I keep thinking I’m fine I’ll just keep on but it’s not working. My D&C was 7 weeks ago now and life is very much back to normal but I’m not.

A family member said today that everything for our family was all good news because my mum for an all clear & my sis in law got an all clear for something else and she was stood holding a beautiful baby boy. All wonderful amazing things that I am happy for them for, true blessings…

But I immediately had a chest thud and thought “is it? Not for me” and felt sad and guilty for the thought at the same time & I felt like crying.

What I did though was smiled and said yes it’s all wonderful and changed the subject.

I’m so over this suprise grief, where someone says something and your like wow where did that feeling come from….or are those tears…or why are you upset now???

I know theres a jouney here, but I would like to be done with it now thanks. I’m ready for my happy ending now.


Saying goodbye


Yesterday I attended that old friends funeral. As far as I am aware he suffered from depression who culminated in him feeling so overwhelmed that he killed himself.

The funeral was lovely, his family was strong, the photos of him happy were many and he was sent off in a great fashion to the tune of Hallelujah. Beautiful.

Then we toasted him and his life at a personal drinks, but if I am totally honest although I felt sadness I mostly felt anger at him for going so soon and for not following his own rules to reach out and call.

I hope you all reach out and call someone…anyone! 

If you are feeling low, lost or just need a friend or your mum. Please, please, just call!

Because whether you think it or not, you are cared for, someone smiles when they think of you and you most definitely will be missed.

What do I do with all these feelings?

Yesterday I had a lovely day spending time with old friends and new, but by the time I got home I was tearful and I cannot put my finger on why?

It’s been 7weeks since I miscarried and I thought I was getting on ok. But from the looks of this blog and the tears last night and how I feel today. Maybe not.

I don’t know what to do with it all really and the bad stuff just keeps coming. Last week I had word that an old acquaintance, a friend really,  I suppose, took his own life.

So since Christmas my life has been all about loss and coping…. two deaths, My mums breast cancer & a miscarraige. 

I often think that its not that bad. I mean I’m not dying right? I have a job, it’s stressful but it pays the bills, I have a family who love me, I’m very lucky that people very close to me, as in my immediate family, have not died. So why cry? I’m lucky.

But I think that’s griefs trick. It’s like someone hiding behind a tree….and jumping out at you when you least expect it…if you get too busy to allow grief to just be. Greif seems to get busy making you crazy and continuing to enter into your life by any means possible until you let it be there.

I seem to be learning that I have to let grief be. I’m just not sure how to do that, but I’m learning.

And I guess I’m still lucky too, well sort of.