Closure.

Today we mourned the loss of our baby that could have been. Having a miscarraige is a hard position to be in because we have nothing to show for it. No funeral, no body, i don’t even have an ultrasound picture…?!

So I decided to have a memorial for us. My daughter, partner and me. We went to the coast of my home town, there some flowers into the ocean, said some words and wrote some messages in the sand and on rocks and i wrote a letter to him or her (which we burnt because when I was little I was told if you write messages on wood and put it in the fire the sparks and ashes that go up head to heaven taking your message with them).

The we drove to the pub with Sarah McLaughlin’s Angel playing and had a shot and a wine to send the baby off. It was like a mini wake.

It was beautiful and it helped. If you are here in my position the memorial helps and even though it feels silly it really helps.

I loved what could have been. I had hope and I have lost something, we all have. Mourning and grieving and talking about this loss is the only way through.

I will cry for many more days yet but I will smile for the send off we gave our wee soul and now I will start again, living for the future, working through the grief and living with the past.