I realise recently I have only been writing here when bad things happen, but unfortunately this is how my year has been.
I hope to be writing brighter news in the future, I know things will look up.
About one month ago I found out that I was pregnant. This news both terrified and excited me and my partner, you can imagine with a teenager how I might feel with a new baby as well… there would be a huge age gap about 14years, but thats ok and it would be a baby.
A beautiful baby boy or girl, and we were all very excited!
I decided it was OK to share the news tentatively with my family and closest friends, because it was joyful news and it should be celebrated. My daughter got so excited about it and starting getting onto Pintrest and pinning all sorts of baby room ideas as she was now the interior decorater for the new baby. I must say, she has the best ideas.
So we had our bloods done and we were waiting for a dating scan, so excited to see our new bundle in all its teeny tiny, dot on a fuzzy screen glory!
The HCG numbers were not great though as we got closer to the scan. They were only doubling every 5 or 6 days and when we went to the scan it showed us a sac, but no pole or yolk. Meaning we were either earlier then we thought (7weeks) or something else was going on, there was hope at this stage.
I then had to go to the Dr’s to get more blood tests and I was scheduled in for another ultrasound in an excruitating 10day long wait. The wait killed me, I read everything there was to read, learnt about blighted ovums, missed miscarraiges and all the different types of pregnancy or difficulties there were.
I had stomach cramps that felt like labour pains and spent 10days, including mothers day, crying, relaxing, taking paracetomol, not drinking, taking folic acid and iodine… doing all those good things.
This was even though I had a feeling that things were not OK, my pregnancy was different to before, there was no illness, no blurgh feeling, no nothing really. Just 3 pregancy tests telling me I was pregnant and a positive HCG (bhcg) result.
I had one more HCG blood test before my last scan, the news wasn’t any better and after the longest wait of my life to date, we went to the second scan today.
It was not good news, there was nothing there. I am not pregnant. Well, I am, but there is no Fetus, just a sac, almost the exact same size as before. I cried as the lady was putting the warm gel on my belly as I already new that something was wrong and this was the last glimour of hope I had left. But as soon as she turned that monitor on, I knew it was all over.
Now I greive. I tell everyone who knew that there was nothing there that it didn’t work out. I cry. I start looking forward not back. I feel that sadness of the loss for something that may or may not have been. I start looking to life again to find the joy in living more and getting out there. I worry about my relationship and hope that this doesn’t effect it too badly. I hold onto the one silver lining that I know & that others don’t have – that I can actually get pregnant, there are still eggs there.
I worry about my daughter and how it will cause her sadness to hear its not going to work out as we have planned. I go back to work. I feel like I am being punished for things that I have done in the past, decisions I have made. I know I’m not and this is nothing to do with me but the thoughts still pass through my mind and finally part of me is worried that this is the beginning of a very hard journey to get pregnant, but I expect that is just today’s grief talking.
The hardest thing I get to do now. Is make a choice, a choice out of three bad choices. I can wait and see if anything happens naturally, I can take a pill and help things along or I can go for a D&C in the womens unit. None of these things fill me with Joy.
The easiest thing I get to do right now, is to be loved and supported by all I know. I am lucky and blessed to have the most wonderful family and friends who all support me and love me no matter what.
I know I will be OK, this is not the last chance, I do feel like this year has been one of the hardest years of my life and I feel like I am waiting for “whats next”… whats round the next corner….
But I realise that all people have these feelings and that together we will all get through.
If anyone is going through a miscarraige, is unsure of what is happening (because I found that the DR’s can be quite quiet on the subject, I only found one that was a straight shooter) or is worried about their relationship or how their partner feels, I am happy to try and help.
This is shitty, awful and hard, but it won’t break me and if you are here with me – you’ll be OK. We’ll be OK.