Back to work

I am so over this feeling like crap already!!!

I know I have to go through the grief but I’m fed up with crying and feeling isolated.

I cried today because after I got through my first day back at work ( that was full of random coments, not directed at me but definitely upsetting me and questions asking me how I was & if I felt better. Nice really to anyone who isn’t full of sadness…)

My ordered piece of art turned up…BENT! 😦
So I cried because right now as hard as it is I feel like this year the universe is out to get me.

In reality I know it’s not. But I am feeling very sad, very alone and a bit lost 😦

A strong person is not the one who doesn’t cry. A strong person is the one who cries & sheds tears for a moment, then gets up and fights again.

I feel like I keep doing or saying the wrong thing, like I can’t do anything right. I text my friends and thought I’d asked for support told them I’m lonely and they said nothing back.

Maybe because they dont know what to say. Maybe because I said to much or something offensive…? Or maybe they don’t want to know my sadness? I feel like I have done something wrong. Upset them… when all I did was say the truth 😢

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I brought my daughter a kitten thinking it might help but it’s like it really isn’t & the cat here already, well I’ve upset him too…

Yes this is a whiney blog but if I can’t say it here. Where can I say it?

I’m sad.
I’m lonely.
I wish my friends were here.
I wish my baby was here too.
I don’t feel strong. This is hard.

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I know the light is there somewhere

Sometimes I can’t even believe this is my life, the things that have happened this year, feels like too much!! but I know deep down that it’s only the beginning of life’s trials and I have to get through this with strength and almost bloody mindedness not to sink into the sadness and stay there.

I keep saying the clichès to myself:

Only strong people are tested
The good people are given hard roads
You’re strong enough to handle this or it wouldn’t be put in your direction

But let’s be honest, It feels like I’ve been nothing  but tested my whole life so why bother?!

& the the answer is clear as day:

You keep moving for her, she loves you and she needs you. You are her mum.

You keep moving for him, he loves you and you love him. He is your soulmate.

You keep going for them, they love you, they support you & they need you. They are your family.

You keep going for you. You love you. You need you.

You will have better times, happier times, life is a crazy ride of massive highs and massive lows but you just keep moving forward. You have to go through it as hard and long as it is you have to go through it.

Use whatever faith, strength, outlet, hobby, love, distraction, movement you have and just keep going.

Keep going. The light is there somewhere and as long as you keep moving forward you’ll see it eventually.

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Closure.

Today we mourned the loss of our baby that could have been. Having a miscarraige is a hard position to be in because we have nothing to show for it. No funeral, no body, i don’t even have an ultrasound picture…?!

So I decided to have a memorial for us. My daughter, partner and me. We went to the coast of my home town, there some flowers into the ocean, said some words and wrote some messages in the sand and on rocks and i wrote a letter to him or her (which we burnt because when I was little I was told if you write messages on wood and put it in the fire the sparks and ashes that go up head to heaven taking your message with them).

The we drove to the pub with Sarah McLaughlin’s Angel playing and had a shot and a wine to send the baby off. It was like a mini wake.

It was beautiful and it helped. If you are here in my position the memorial helps and even though it feels silly it really helps.

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I loved what could have been. I had hope and I have lost something, we all have. Mourning and grieving and talking about this loss is the only way through.

I will cry for many more days yet but I will smile for the send off we gave our wee soul and now I will start again, living for the future, working through the grief and living with the past.

A letter to the angel…

Dear baby , dear fetus, dear angel, dear soul…

I’m sorry you didnt get to stay and be part of our family. You would have been so so loved and wanted. I know I was confused & scared at first and that I complained about being pregnant because let’s face it that’s not the funnest experience for me!

But losing you has made me realise it would have been ok, we would have been full of joy and you would have been loved. We would have watched you grow, seen your first smile, heard your first words and to just be in your life would have been amazing.

I feel like you would have been a little boy maybe a cousin to rough house with for the boys in the family already and an adored brother by your beautiful sister and your dad would have helped you learn, played with you and loved you to the ends of the earth. We would have worked it out and been a family just a little bigger then the one we have now.

I wanted to tell you I’m sorry, i miss you already and I will remember you always. I imagine a picnic table in heaven with all the family together smiling and sharing stories and you with them being loved and having others to play with.

Until we meet again,
Love your mum xo

Recovery day 1.

Sore, a little bit broken and tired. I know I’ll get there though. The tears are odd beasts, they come randomly.

I think I feel a bit lonely as only my partner in my immediate group can understand kind of how I feel, but then he can’t really either.

I’ll be ok though. We’ll get through. But right now this is all I can say to myself…well other people’s memes can help me…

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