The last few weeks of my life have been hard, in so many ways, not only in regards to losing weight. I have never been in a position of support like this before.
Don’t get me wrong I have been in postions of support for other friends with the big C! or for friends and family where someone has passed away, or to support some friends out of some dark places, even got myself through some pretty crappy times!
I’ve definitely seen my fair share of tragedy etc. but this to me is different. This is my mum. Parents being ill has a profound effect on a family, and maybe because I am the baby of the family? this has had a massive effect on me.
I’m learning, taking in the new lesson and understanding what I can from it, but it’s hard.
Over the past few weeks I have been her confidant, friend, counsellor and I guess distration. I have watched her swing from one side of the fence to the other, I have watched her get angry for no reason, get immensly tired, worry, worry and worry again. I have seen her not tell people, and how hard that has been for her and my dad to say “we’re fine” to people who ask that simple ‘how are you?’ question, because explaining it and how you feel is too hard.
Following her onto the ward beside my father after her operation is something I will never forget, of course as always she was in high spirits, I don’t think I have known or will even know a woman as strong as my mother. But for the first time I saw her as fragile, and pale and ill and for the first time I have seen my father sad, worried and feeling helpless.
This is not how I want to see my mum, nor how my mind can even begin to imagine to see her in the future when her time does come. I feel as though I have had a glimps into our ‘one day’ our ‘soon’ and I don’t want it to come yet. I don’t want it to come ever, but I will need to make peace with it eventually and enjoy the time we have now.
We are currently waiting for results, I am both hopeful and fearful at the same time.
It’s been very busy at work as well with big ventures ongoing and big efforts going into different pieces of work and this doesn’t even mention the emoitional struggle of a teenager that we are working on, a relationship that is trying to keep on the right track and the fact that a fair few people simply forgot it was my birthday. So suffice to say I had a minor pity party, then I had a large celebration weekend and now I am back on the bandwagon with being “good”.
I am starting to seriously think though that perhaps my major weight gain has to do with stress, cortisol and all those things that we don’t actually talk about. If I was to let out how I felt to all those around me, those dealing with issues probably bigger then mine, how would they see me? and if I was to talk more and be more selfish, look after me instead of everyone else would I be happier and lose wieght?
What are things that you do to stay sane in times of immense stress? aside from self medicate 🙂 let me know! I would be grateful for others experiences carrying them through these moments of life’s rollercoaster.