Postpartum Anxiety

I think I am having anxiety and I know I am having intrusive thoughts about someone or myself harming my 9 week old son.

My thoughts are of dropping him on the floor and cracking his head or someone molesting him. Its horrific and horrifying for me.

On Friday I called my mum to come over and broke down and told her what I was feeling which helped for a bit.

But yesterday everything reached a crescendo and I believe I had a panic attack in the supermarket. My vision zoomed in and out and then I felt like I couldn’t breathe and started shaking. My partner was there fortunately and he was so supportive when I made it to the car and broke down.

I have called in all my family support that I feel comfortable telling and I have also called a PND support group in my area to get some talk therapy.

I feel that my issues are relating to extreme stress since i found out I was pregnant, first being unsure i wanted a baby as I have a teen already and we had just got our first mortgage and moved into an area that is close to somewhere I lived in the past.

Second a year before I had a miscarriage and it was very difficult and my brother also lost his child in child birth. All of these things made me decide on a c-section for the babys safety and a tubal ligation for me.

The c-section was scary. I was convinced the baby was going to die or I was and the medication while it was happening made me unable to talk but able to think clearly. It was very scary. I couldn’t hold my son and he went straight to NICU. I didnt get to see him until.very late that night and I was terrified he was very unwell. He wasn’t. He came back the next morning.

After this I fainted in the shower and felt so sore but I was coping… one night in hospital.i just cried and cried because I couldn’t sleep due to a back injury that had occured somehow.

My partner kept inviting visitors and I had not much time to rest. He got to go home but i was left holding the baby. I think I didn’t well considering.

When we finally came home I remember feeling anxious about leaving the hospital and that the car park was dirty and bad for baby. I also had a friend inside with a severe issue with his lungs. After a week my MIL came to stay for a week and it was stressful, there were arguments she cried and then when she left my BIL came to stay as well for another week. It was hard. My partner is supportive but I felt he expected me to entertain so I tried but mainly I was tired and wanted to stay home. I didn’t have much time to become a family.

I only have 4months off work so I go back on the 5th of November. My partner has now resigned and will be staying home. This is additionally stressful as we are not making all the Bill’s now.

I also ended up dislocating my toe and spraining my back and was out on strong medication. I was very I’ll when pregnant and on medications that were making me have anxiety. As soon as I stopped taking it my anxiety went away. I am thinking this could have been the case this time, I feel better today.

I also think I have a morbid fear of being left alone with 2 children as this happened when I was 21, my partner cheated on me and left me with a young daughter and i had a break in where i ended up sleeping with a bit of wood with nails in it under my camper bed. He also took all our furniture.

I think all of these things together have made me stressed out to the make and caused the anxiety.

Sorry for the epic post but what else should I be doing here? Comments and advice greatly appreciated.

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Where is everyone?

Where has everyone gone? Were pregnant and having a baby but not crippled…

All my friends have disappeared, I haven’t had any invitations in weeks… why?

Is it just too hard?

Has life got in the way?

Do we have nothing to give now?

Is it because I can’t have a wine?

What’s happened? Why do we no longer get invitations and how do I keep up a social life so I dont feel like a leper?

The struggle is real…

I’m struggling to think of this baby as a positive thing…

I don’t know why.

I know I’ll love it when it’s here.

But a small part of me feels like I’m losing the life I struggled so hard to build with my current beautiful amazing daughter…

Change is hard sometimes.

Imposter

I’m an imposter. I feel like I’m on the outside of my life looking in watching as it goes along a path that I’m not prepared for.

Scared.

Sore.

Tired.

How is this going to go?

Have I made a mistake?

Will it be worth it?

Will it be ok?

There’s a small part of me that is excited but most of me is unsure.

29 weeks today

And I am sore and worried and tired….

I’m not sure the baby is moving as much as it should Or has been…?

I’m worried about finances still… I have no idea how we I’ll make ends meet…

I’m worried the pain I am feeling isn’t normal, last night getting out of bed I could barely stand up! And had really painful stomach cramps…. and today I am pretty sore and moving around hurts… but apparently that’s the best thing to do..

Maybe it’s because I haven’t exceeded enough, but my gosh who has the motivation.. not me at the moment. I’m so heavy I’m not sure how I am carrying myself around!

My OH is looking to me all the time for some reassurance that I’m ok… and I am. I’m just not feeling it right now today, life isn’t quite what I thought it would be.. I know I am super blessed and others don’t have half of what i have but sometimes I wonder what a different life would be like….

Building excitement

I’m trying to build my baby excitement, we have been cutting back significantly, but i am still worried that we wont be abpe to afford things in our period of lowered income….so I’m not really buying anything for baby or me or my daughter at the moment.. sigh.

What did you do to feel excited about a new baby? That didn’t cost the earth?